A Little BUTT for Christmas

While I was recently listening to the YIP Podcast ( and catching up on blog reading) they brought up a thread on Tribe.net about crotching the audience. You know, doing a back bend ( either standing or in floorwork), with your crotch to the audience. Everyone with a brain can figure out that a nice shot of your crotch is never ever a good idea unless your name is Bubbles and you work at Daddy Rabbits ( the real name of a strip joint from my hometown).
    But I will admit in a recent performance I was, in a word, screwed. I did so many dancer faux pas that if someone with a tally sheet would have been there I would have been given the boot. A swift kick in the pants. My bestest teacher, Donna would have disowned me.
   You often hear in those "How to Be a Professional Dancer" how-to's that you should find out beforehand what your dance space looks like, where the audience is, etc. When I was asked to dance for my daughter's school faculty Christmas party, with the sole purpose as being a surprise for the principal, I carefully selected Naser Musa's Jingle Bells ( thanks to Chris for keying me on to his Christmas album), wrapped my poinsettia choker around my neck, strapped on the hip scarf, and was roarin' to go. The woman organizing it told me to dance for the principal, but if he got uncomfortable to dance around the tables a bit....... No prob. I knew it would be in the cafeteria, been there a dozen times, no prob. I thought I had it figured out. No prob.
      I hid in the cafeteria kitchen for 20 minutes trying not to worry about what possible disease I would get for standing barefoot on the concrete floor, and after a bit of a snafu with the music, I danced out into the "space". Somehow the space in a large cafeteria ended up being so close it was almost like dancing in the principals lap. I quickly saw that the chairs were positioned so that I could not get out and dance around the tables even if I wanted to, so I settled into "dancing for the principal". I was so close to him, that it was like standing in line in front of someone, he had to almost look down to look at me. I turned to face the rest of the cafeteria, and felt like I had given him the cold shoulder, then turned to face him. I ended up dancing to almost every angle of the cafeteria.....him, and teachers at every angle ( including my daughters preschool teacher who was looking at me like I had grown another head). When I did a killer back bend that was part of my routine, someone was bound to get the crotch. Someone was gettin' the crotch. I tried to get the least populated part of the room, and to make it quick. But in a fraction of a second I had to make this decision....who to give the crotch to? ( these are my day to day decisions....What should I have for breakfast? Should I do another load of laundry or waste more time online? Who is gettin' the crotch?) The crotch ended up going to the unlucky folks that were seated near the cash register.
     BUT the real faux pas was when I did a full to- the -ground hip circle with a hair swoop. As an audible gasp went up from the audience of teachers and staff I thought it was because I was so awesome. Later, as I was thinking ( and nit-picking it as we all do after a performance) , it was less because I was so awesome, and more because I had given them the butt, literally. A big old butt is what they saw. I didn't have time to angle myself to the side to have the butt going towards the poor souls who got the crotch, so it ended up that most of the faculty got the butt. I have a big butt, so I am sure it was an experience.
      As it is, I learn something new every time I perform. This time it was " try to SEE the space you are dancing in, and if you can't see the space have them tell you the dimensions"........the second thing I learned was when you tell them that the music has to be LOUD, rephrase that and say " when I say loud I mean that to the DJ it has to be almost obnoxious and then it will be the right level for the dancer and the audience." THIRD thing I learned is that exposing yourself to your daughters teachers is neither fun nor uplifting. It is weird. We will see how the first day back to school is. Merry Butt-mas everyone.